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JackDaniels624 has 121 chronicles

  1. JackDaniels624 A Public Service Announcement about Pac-Man

    Player Chronicle -- Posted on Aug 20 2010

    *Disclaimer* This is 100 percent true except for everything I made up! Oh and may be offensive to some, but it's obviously satiracle you crybaby! *Disclaimer*

    The 80's were a great time in America's history. The immigrants from the south were making billions selling coke to everyone in Florida, people never jaywalked, Motley Crue broke into highschools where Michael Berryman was the principal just so they could smoke cigarettes in the bathroom with highschool boys, but not all was good in the 80's. You see, kids are very impressionable and tend to imitate things they do in videogames, specifically a game callled Pac-Man.

    Pac-Man was originally invented in 1965 by Richard Nixon. Nixon accidently invented the game while attempting to find a more efficient way of feeding his electronic fish so he didn't have to miss a second of "Will and Grace". Instead what he came up with was a less detailed version of the game where the protagonist "Pac-Man" runs around a map nom-nom-nomming small dots and eating pills so he could eat ghosts. Unfortunately, Soviet spy and renowned wall hater Mikael Gorbechov intercepted this game, improved the graphics, sold it to Chairman Mao, and then later picked in up at a garage sale in Burbank California in the summer of '79. Namco, being notorious for their propoganda games such as "Vote" and "Don't Vote" sent a diplomat over to Mikael's favorite tanning salon and arranged to exchange the game for 25 and 1/2 zebra pelts. Mikael haggled them up to lion pelts and history was made.

    Namco then released the spiteful game across the US overtaking the minds of America's youth. People began frequently pouring the official "Pac-Man Cereal" over their floors and ran around popping pills and eating ghosts. These kids were known as "Pac-Heads". Why have you not heard of these Pac-Heads you ask? Because they died. Every last one of them. That was every single boy aged 7-12 and a small amount of girls at the same age, because once you hit 13 you magically became immune to the whole death thing. You see, these brainwashed children became so addicted to ghosts that their bodies couldn't function without them, and when the cereal had been discontinued...I think you see where this is going.

    Having wiped so many children of the generation, ice cream sales dropped quickly. Unfortunately America's favorite couple at the time, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield of Ben and Jerry's felt the consequences. They ended up getting a divorce, sold the company, and Ben Cohen took his own life due to severe depression.

    The 90's rolled around and things started to shape up for America. New games with better graphics came out so children forgot all about Pac-Man, that is until today! It's even affecting one of our most influential stars today, 50 Cent! You may have seen those pics of him on the internet about his extreme weightloss which he claims was for a movie role. I'm not going to argue that it wasn't, nor that it isn't a SPECTACULAR look for him, but how could he have lost that much weight? Yup folks...50 Cent is indeed, a modern day Pac-Head. Teens all over the country are getting hooked on the Pac, not for the game, but simply as an easier way to lose weight.

    What can you do you may be asking? What can you do...well, that's the scary part. No one is doing anything at the moment. It is up to us to brainstorm ideas to stop this cancer from growing anymore! For starters, I only let my son Warrenbell Octvarius Sanctum the Third Ursomething play Limbo so he is prepared to save his little sister, Gingerbread, if she ever gets taken away or something. As a bonus he's also learning skills about how to kill giant spiders and not die all the time. As for Gingerbread, she's only allowed to play Postal 2 so she learns to one day drive her husband mad by complaining about not getting her Rocky Road icecream so he ends up shooting himself in the head, only to wake up in a hospital suffering from delusions of Gary Colemans trying to kill him and eventually escape the city with his dog Champ moments before a nuclear missile hits, solely because I think it'll be funny to read in the newspaper someday.

    I also let them watch me play GTAIV, which shows the kids their are consequences for you actions. Shoot someone, and you have to deal with all that incessant screaming, shoot some more people and the police will start to chase you. Not to mention that friends will constantly call them wanting to go to the strip club, bowling, or to see a standup comedian. At least that game has lessons, what do you learn from Pac-Man? Nothing! You run from ghosts, eat pills, and then eat the ghosts!?!? Complete rubbish if you ask me! STOP PAC-MAN TODAY!

    *This message may or may not have been approved by Barrack Obama*



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Chronicle Comments

JackDaniels624 has 2 comment s on this chronicle.

  1. pandmoneum pandmoneum
    Posted On Mar 26 2011

    Everything went to hell when tricky Dickhead took us off the gold standard... In a macro-sense it allotted too much power to the central banks, i.e., THE FED who creates more problems than they repair, and the World Bank who would like ONE currency so they can re-establish Europa as the Big Dick Daddy's from Cincinnatti.... I personally bury my cash in mason jars, buy lots of canned goods, and stockpile as much ammo as possible- Be easy JD-

  2. Im Marksman Im Marksman
    Posted On Aug 26 2010

    Brilliant... that's all I can say.