JackDaniels624 has 121 chronicles

1. Unspeakable Words
   

   Player Chronicle -- Posted on Jul 28 2009

   Dean, I apologize. I know I don't have the strength to say these words aloud, but they must be spoken somehow.
   
   As my night was coming to an end, I decided to write a chronicle. Immediately afterwords, I walked upstairs and got a glass of water to prepare myself for my usual attempt to rest and begin a new day. As I start to open the door to my bedroom, my moms door opens and I hear her sniffle. She mentions your name and I detected that she was crying. I was too weak to even look at her as she explains that you didn't survive a car accident. All I could do was let out a pathetic "okay".
   
   I sat on my bed taking in this information, then quickly realized the irony of the last chronicle I wrote. I went back downstairs and added one final cryptic message onto it.
   
   I wasn't exactly feeling fine, but I could still be myself. I thought that my past experiences with death had made me mentally desensitized to these sorts of things. I stayed up going through the day as usual to try and get on a normal sleep schedule for your funeral, again not exactly feeling normal, but I could still carry on business as usual.
   
   Why is it that only around my 32nd hour of being awake did the reality of the situation finally hit me? Was my mind protecting me from this pain I'm feeling? Or was it that there were other things that distracted my mind? Maybe it was hearing the details about what happened, or how you were a donor and they took your eyes? Your eyes!? I can't even stand the thought of seeing you knowing your eyes aren't there. I know they're debating weather or not to cremate you, and I hope they do because I know I won't be able to handle seeing your face without them, even if your eyelids are closed.
   
   Dean, I was beginning to think that family wasn't important to me. My other cousin has undergone chemo therapy, and while it made me feel kind of bad, I can't lie and say that it really impacted me. I wasn't even planning on attending either of the other cousins weddings coming up...but the sorrow I feel knowing you're no longer with us, it just...it's reminding me that I do care about family. But why is it that it takes a tradgedy like this to make me realize this? Why is it that only now I'm beginning to feel this deep lament?
   
   I know I never knew you too well, but from the time we did spend together I saw that you were a great person! Always so optimistic, so cheerful, so trusting of others that you didn't even lock your car doors despite having been robbed from multiple times. You were even the one who showed me how much I love "Sheep in the Big City". And now your gone. Taken away at such a young age. I thought my aunt and uncle were too young when they died of cancer, leaving that 12 year old boy under the care of the golddigging bitch!
   
   This was supposed to be such a happy time for your family. You got to see your sisters newborn, then the next night your gone forever. A new life enters, and another one leaves. It's just not right...life can be so cruel at times. I don't think I can handle watching another parent have to buried their child.
   
   Still, you and I shared these optimistic views on life. For every black cloud, there is a silver lining. And though I wish this never happened, I won't let your death be in vain. You've shown me that I do care. You've reminded me that life can be short, we need to embrace the time that we have. You are truly a hero Dean, I only wish I had realized this before. Maybe now I can start to truly forgive my parents for the hell they put me through, but only time will tell.
   
   Again, I apologize for being too weak to say these words out loud, typing them is hard enough. I'm not doing this for myself though. I'm doing this in your memory, Dean.
   
   Carpe Diem

   
   

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JackDaniels624 has 4 comment s on this chronicle.

1. BEN
   Posted On Jul 28 2009

   I really appreciated this Chronicle as well. Death is such a hard thing.
   
   I wish you and your family the best and if this unfortunate situation has a silver lining, maybe it's the added and more understood appreciation for the ones that are closest to you.

2. SweetIceCream
   Posted On Jul 28 2009

   Hey JD im sorry to hear about that. You are in my prayers.

3. johnbiz10301
   Posted On Jul 28 2009

   Im sorry JD i hope things will get better soon

4. RyuBlitz
   Posted On Jul 28 2009

   Hey JD, I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to Dean. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. If you need anyone to talk to, you know I'm always willing to talk. I'll even PM you my cell phone number if you want it. Just let me know.
   
   -Zach