Dead Pixels has 41 chronicles

1. An E3 2009 Breakdown, Dead Pixels-Style
   

   Player Chronicle -- Posted on Jun 08 2009

   An E3 2009 Breakdown, Dead Pixels-Style
   By Ryan M. Eft
   06-08-2009
   
   Coming down off this year’s E3, it seems we can all pretty much agree that this is not the “show” we have seen held for the previous couple of years. Whereas the ’07 and’08 shows came and went pretty much without consequence, ’09 seemed to open up whole new avenues of gaming thought with which to feed the hungry minds of fans of all kinds. Sure, some bits were better than others, but overall it was such a strong comeback that the big unanswered question is how they’ll manage to mess it up again next year.
   
   Sure, I’ve spoken with a few naysayers who were not pleased with pretty much anything coming out of the show this go-round. To those people I have to ask: what does it take to please you? Will you be satisfied only if the industry jointly announces that all games will be free, and the heads of the companies commit ritual Seppuku on stage for your amusement? Or are you all just crabby because you didn’t get to personally go? I can’t say; perhaps you need more fiber in your diet. For those of us who aren’t harder to please than a jaded theater critic, this year’s E3 was largely something of a return to form. Nintendo came roaring back hard in favor of their dedicated, long-time fan base, Microsoft showed us something that may change the way we think about gaming, and Sony…well, two out of three ain’t bad.
   
   What with all the amazing titles, new technology and rampant fanboyism pretty much around-the-clock at this year’s E3, it seems there wasn’t much we didn’t get. But there were still some things missing. Without further preamble, I present:
   
   THE BEST E3 NON-ANNOUNCEMENTS
   A partial list of things we (meaning I) would have liked to have seen from E3 2009
   
   The Electro-Troll
   Having a problem with team killers? Are spawn-campers getting you down? Now, it’s no longer a problem, with ELECTRO-TROLL! Banning only makes trolls more determined; only the Electro-Troll has a solution. When an inordinate amount of trollish behavior is detected, the Electro Troll sends a large dose of electricity through the controller of the perp. The voltage increases with each subsequent abuse. By the time the moron has capped three spawn points, he or she is a crispy-fried troll critter!
   
   (The manufacturers of Electro-Troll are not responsible in any way for electrocution or death stemming from being an ass).
   
   NegAchievements
   Do you have a problem with a jerk, but it doesn’t quite warrant electrocution? NegAchievements are the thing for you. With NegAchievements, you permanently lose a random achievement or trophy every time you:
   
   Drop from a match you’re losing without explaining why first
   Drop from a match you’re losing even if you explain why, as long as “why” is “because I don’t want a loss”
   
   Send repeated messages bragging about your achievement/trophy total
   Insult someone for losing
   Insult someone for winning
   And more! It can be any achievement, from a measly five points to one of those 300-pointers that you only played Avatar to get!
   
   Sony announces something with a shred of damn detail
   I know E3 is recognized as a place full of teasers, with little nutritional filling offered. But Sony took the cake this year, with little more than vague hints at things like Agent.
   
   Here, Sony, is how it works: if you’re going to make a major announcement, you’re required to show SOMETHING. A video clip. Some concept art. Something besides a name and an empty stage.
   
   The Return of Chrono!
   *stands outside Square Enix’s fortified, turret-equipped bunker*
   *joins hands with crowd*
   *holds lighters aloft*
   
   The Return of Kid Icarus!
   This was the first E3 since the introduction of the Wii where Nintendo gave this jaded former fan hope, so I don’t want to pick on them too badly. But those guys can be some serious teases. Putting Pit into Smash Bros., and not giving him a new game…that’s just cruel, Nintendo. To him and us. But especially to you. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT KID ICARUS IN YOUR LIVES AND DEVELOPMENT SCHEDULES?
   No. No you do not.
   
   A Tour of the room where Atlus keeps the drugs
   You know it’s there.
   
   EA Joins the Console Wars
   They’ve threatened it before; now I’d like to see it happen. Not because I’d buy it, of course, but because it would be damned hilarious. Picture it: three football titles a year. It would probably whisper “It’s in the game. Psssst. It’s in…the…GAME” at you in dark rooms. Also, twenty minutes of paid advertising before every game…just like at the movies!
   
   The Introduction of the Next Step in A.I., which is Impressive enough to become Terminator-Esque
   Oh, wait…well, I guess we’re all screwed.
   
   Next week, Dead Pixels discusses why War and Peace would make an excellent video game.
   
   Not really.
   
   
   
   Well, okay, maybe.

   
   

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Dead Pixels has 2 comment s on this chronicle.

1. MrBigJeezy
   Posted On Jun 11 2009

   A Tour of the room where Atlus keeps the drugs
   You know it’s there. ----LMAO. As always, very enjoyable. I've been pretty busy lately and I'm way behind on your articles, so I'm going to catch up now.

2. BEN
   Posted On Jun 08 2009

   If I was a game developer, I would be afraid of you at an event like E3
   
   Nice insight nonetheless and I hope you enjoy our coverage from E3 2009, over on its dedicated profile here. Feel free to harp or hype on it however you'd like!