Dead Pixels has 41 chronicles

1. Unendorsed
   

   Player Chronicle -- Posted on Nov 03 2009

   Dead Pixels
   By Ryan M. Eft
   11-02-2009
   
   If you’re the same kind of nerd I am, you’ve seen one too many interviews with publishers, developers, marketing executive and Reggie in which you’re assured, over and over, that whatever they are making next will just be the most awesomest piece of awesome that ever awesomed. Can anything even be that awesome?
   
   Usually, it turns out the answer is no. What we are usually dealing with is a level of hype that is physically and mentally impossible to live up to.
   
   To that end, a wonderful discovery was recently made. A team of crack video game journalists infiltrated the steel wombs of some of gaming’s most illustrious companies and probed deeply into their juicy secrets.
   
   They brought us back something the public has never seen before: rare recorded interviews that were once thought forbidden, given, apparently, on a day when no one was allowed to lie*.
   
   Here, for your edification, are those secrets.
   
   Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
   Journalist: What exactly are you hoping to accomplish with this sequel to one of the most successful games of all time?
   
   Marketing Guy: What we’re really hoping to do is sell a lot of these things. And I mean a lot. We want to make the game such a juggernaut that we discourage competition for years to come. The best way to do that was make the same damn game. New guns, new maps, but ya know, basically the same damn thing. People already bought it once, they’ll sure as hell buy it again.
   
   Grand Theft Auto: The Ballad of Gay Tony
   Journalist: You’re known for courting controversy, and this latest GTA IV expansion is no different.
   
   Developer Guy: Well, you know, we like to make people mad. We like to make good games, too, but if you can offend people that’s like win-win. And, plus, we really wanted to be, like, the first retail release with the word “gay” in the title. How do you guys like this for the next game? “Grand Theft Auto V: Dead Babies.” Huh? Huh? Good, yeah?
   
   Final Fantasy XIII “Universe”
   Journalist: The decision to release not one, but three FFXIII games has met with divisions among fans. What are your hopes for this new direction?
   
   Publisher Guy: Our ultimate goal with this is to put the once-venerated Final Fantasy name on every single thing we possibly can. It’s like a license to print money. You remember a while back, we brought out that Final Fantasy Fables thing? Nothing to do with Final Fantasy. Not even the same genre. But we slap the name on there and throw in a Chocobo and everybody wants it. We’re also working on Final Fantasy: Airship Racer and Final Fantasy: World War II. What does FF have to do with World War II? Haven’t you been listening?
   
   Need For Speed: Shift
   Journalist: The Need for Speed series has had some rough roads to drive in recent years. How will Shift answer this?
   
   Marketing Guy: Well, I, you know…it’s been a year, so it’s time to make another one. There’s stuff with physics, and crashing, I think there’s crashing…Look, it’s new, you can drive cars fast, just buy it, okay?
   
   Super Mario Bros. New
   Journalist: Mario is possibly the quintessential game character, and after many different types of games, you’re taking him back to his roots. What’s the focus of this game?
   
   Developer Guy: Well, you know, this is really a game for old people. You, me. You know, the remote thing, I never really got it. I hate it, in fact. What the flip is wrong with buttons? Am I right? Am I?
   
   Journalist: You are right. *leaves swiftly*
   
   *I guess I should point out, in case it wasn’t obvious, that this article is satire and nobody ever said any of this and I made it all up.

   
   

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Dead Pixels has 2 comment s on this chronicle.

1. JackDaniels624
   Posted On Nov 06 2009

   Thanks for the laughs! I'd just like to say that I'm actually amazed that The Ballad of Gay Tony wasn't really that offensive, nor as stereotypical as I had expected it to be. It has it's moments, but with a title like that you'd expect Tony to be REALLY flaming...I suppose this is just there way of stickin' it to the Republicans again though.

2. A-Thon X
   Posted On Nov 03 2009

   Laugh out loud funny. You really got inside their heads with this. Obviously, its a little more complicated than this, but when you boil it down and stuff it in a nutshell, this is pretty much it.
   
   Developers are naturally gonna say that their game is the best thing ever, thats their paycheck. And i've read a few interviews and i think these developers (with very few exceptions) really believe in what they're doing. It may not always be revolutionary, but i think they can still stand behind their product, regardless of critical reviews or sales. In comparison, we don't hear any of the GoG staff going on about the downsides of the GoG, that just wouldn't be conducive to the type of atmoshere they're trying to achieve here, because this is something they believe in. Anyway, just my two cents.
   
   Kudos, once again Ryan, on an excellent and thought provoking, AND hilarious chronicle.